I Just Came Out As Transgender to 2.4 Million Young People and Invited Them to Ask Me Anything

By Freddie Bologno

Editor’s note: This post was published in summer 2015 and recirculated in February 2017 along with DoSomething’s response to the White House’s withdrawal of protections to transgender students.

Hi, I’m Freddie. Today has been, without a doubt, the scariest and most important day of my life. Today I texted 2.4 million DoSomething.org members letting them know that I’m trans and inviting them to ask me anything.

As the Mobile Engagement Manager at DoSomething.org, I text our mobile members on a weekly basis letting them know about new cause campaigns they can get involved in. I’ve been texting them for three years as “Alysha,” creating a relationship not just as a brand, but as a human being. Yep, these members pretty much text their parents, their friends, and me.

It’s important for DoSomething.org — and for me — to be honest and authentic with our members. So when I came out as trans to the office this spring, I knew I’d eventually tell our members too. (“Trans,” by the way, short for “transgender,” is a term for folks who identify with a sex or gender different than the one assigned to them at birth.)

I thought of lying to tell them, saying that Alysha had left the staff and that Freddie would be taking over. But ew, that felt gross. I’m not a television character that you kill off; I’m a real person. So, in the vein of authenticity and honesty — and with a big gulp, a very deep breath, and the undying support of my company — here is what I texted 2.4 million people, ages 13 to 25:

I’ve texted for DoSomething as Alysha for 3yrs, but I’ve been struggling. I’m trans, Im Freddie! Kind of a big deal. Want to A) Ask questions B )Support Me C) Neither

The responses, I discovered as a very pleasant surprise, were overwhelmingly positive.

Well, I don’t know you personally, but I’m proud & extremely happy that you can be who you are meant to be. As long as you’re happy, that’s all it matters ! I love you, be happy, be you

Good fucking luck dude, I am majorly proud of you for becoming the person you’re meant to be. You are inspiring.

I’m also trans. I just want you to know I fully support you. It’s a struggle we go through but we can do it.

I don’t know how long I’ve been receiving your texts and every once in a while I’ll reply with my choice but wow congrats really! Big step=big reward. Be yourself and that’s all that matters!

Those who chose “C) neither” were invited to sign up for non-trans-related social action campaigns. Those who texted “B) support me” were invited to add their favorite pump-up songs to this #Ready4Freddie Spotify playlist.

Of the more than 43,000 responses I received, here are some of the most common questions. I (along with a fleet of staffers, interns, and volunteers) responded to these members with 160-character texts; below are the extended versions of my responses. (Disclaimer: I do not speak for all trans people. I am white, college educated, able-bodied, employed. I have the privilege to write this without fear of losing my job, unlike many trans people today.)

1. How did you know you were trans? How did you decide?

First of all, I never decided to be trans. I’ve struggled with my gender identity for a long time; I think it’s something I’ve always known, but always pushed down somewhere. I had never really heard about someone who felt the way I do, because they way we talk about gender is so binaried. I actually identify as non-binary, so not relating to either male or female. My preferred pronouns are they/them/their, but I also like he/him/his because my gender expression is masculine. My story is not representative of all trans stories; there is no one trans narrative. Here is a follow-up conversation I had to this question:

Texter: When in your life did you realize?

Freddie: I’ve struggled w my gender identity for awhile, I think I’ve always known, but always pushed down. Growing into myself, I learned who I was. I’m Freddie!

Texter: That is really cool Im happy that you are who you are stay beautiful and unique

2. Why now? Why didn’t you tell us sooner?

This was a question that I received from a lot of members. I think a lot of people felt deceived, lied to, or betrayed. First, I only came out to my family recently, so you’re some of the first people to know. Also, the world has only recently become more tolerant of trans people, thanks in part to public figures like Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner. The other thing is that I didn’t always know, except for deep down. I feel there is a perception that Alysha and Freddie are two different people — when really it’s just me. I’m not any different than who I was when we first started texting, only that I’m more confident to be my true authentic self. All of the support I’ve received today confirms that. Like this, from one member:

Why did you wait so long? We will love you no matter what!!!

3. What was it like coming out to friends and family?

Scary! I probably cried a bunch of times. Once I did come out, a weight lifted off my shoulders. My friends were a lot easier to come out to because most of them identify as queer, and have a better understanding of what coming out feels like. My parents were harder to come out to, maybe because they’ve known me the longest. They have been very supportive, and are open to learning more and going on this journey with me. It’s amazing to know I have support from strangers too:

Strive to become the person you are meant to be. Don’t aim to please others because the ones who truly love will always be there for you.

4. Do you have advice for coming out?

Coming out can be tough. For some young people, coming out as trans isn’t even an option due to very real concerns of ostracization or safety. Others may just be waiting for “the right time.” My advice is to do what feels right in your heart.

For some people, gender identity is simple. For others, especially folks who identify outside of the gender binary, forming a gender identity that “fits” can be tough (let’s be honest: society doesn’t make it so easy). If you think you might identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, check out this awesome resource from Advocates for Youth.

Wait until it feels right for you. Maybe this means waiting until you’ve gathered the words to fully describe how you feel. Maybe it means telling one or two close friends, and continuing from a place with support. Regardless of your decision to come out or not, know that there are countless resources, and that there is a whole community out there that will support you and love you for who you are! If you’re feeling overwhelmed or “stuck,” a great resource to check out is The Trevor Project.

5. So what do you have down there? (And other questions about surgeries and genitals.)

Rule of thumb: If you’re not my doctor, sleeping with me, or both, please don’t ask me (or other trans people — or really anyone) about their body parts. Thanks! (Other rule of thumb: Don’t sleep with your doctor.)

6. What bathroom do you use?

Hmm…let’s see: whichever is cleaner? Or maybe has the shortest line? Yeah, this is another personal one: you may not want to ask trans folks this unless you’re close to them. Also, using bathrooms isn’t a “preference” thing — it’s a safety thing; a lot of trans people face harassment in bathrooms. We just want to be able to exist like anybody else. So, use your judgment: before you ask a question, think about whether or not you’d be comfortable answering said question by a random person.

I’m lucky to work in an office that has gender-neutral bathrooms (so instead of separate”men’s” and “women’s” restrooms, we have two restrooms anyone can use). Many trans people aren’t as lucky, but you can help change that on your campus, at your school, in your office. Sign up for our Free to Pee campaign and demand all-gender bathrooms in a public place near you.

7. How can I support you and other trans people?

THE BEST QUESTION EVER! For cisgender folks (aka folks who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth), there are so many ways you can support trans people and trans rights. Most of the time, this means listening, pushing away internal assumptions, and making your loved one feel like they can come to you. Keep in mind that if someone comes out to you, especially in the early stages of their identity formation, they’re already trusting you with their life. Literally. Now, it’s your job to let them know you’ve got their back. This can look different from person to person, but are here are the basics of being an ally.

Being a conscientious ally is a big deal. It can also take a lot of “unlearning” about the world around you. So, once you’ve got those down, here are ways to make sure you’re being the absolute best ally you can be.

Thanks to everyone for their support today. It makes me extremely hopeful for what progress our generation can make on trans rights. There’s still a long fight ahead of us for equal opportunities for housing, employment, and healthcare. More importantly, there’s so much work to be done to end violence against trans women, specifically trans women of color. I’m confident we can create the change we need.

Ok, if you’re on the DoSomething.org text list, I’ll text you next Tuesday, like I’ve done for the past three years. Except this time, I’ll text you as Freddie. Love, Freddie.

Photo credit: Keri Goff

Freddie Bologno is the Mobile Engagement Manager at DoSomething.org. Their favorite things to write about are social justice, SMS, Beyoncé, and/or all of the above.

Originally published at blog.dosomething.org.